Strongly consider joining a widowed persons’ group, even if you have an abundance of friends and are not the joining type. During the past few decades widowed persons’ services have become widespread, sponsored by community centers, associations for the elderly and religious organizations. There is a reason for their popularity. In dealing with this type of wrenching loss, people need all the help they can get.

Your local office for the aging will have information about these programs. So will the Widowed Persons’ Service operated by the American Association of Retired Persons. Or look in the Yellow Pages under “widows” or “widowed persons’ services.” The most logical place to begin your search for a group is a place you already feel comfortable going, such as your church.

Generally, widowed persons’ services either offer individual counseling in which a trained (less recently widowed) volunteer visits you regularly or operate groups where widows and widowers meet to discuss their feelings and offer each other concrete help and emotional support.

Widowed persons’ groups are for normal people, not those who are emotionally disturbed. They offer a place where you can feel comfortable about expressing all your concerns – from the fear of going crazy to “silly” worries such as “How do I make coffee?” or “How do I check into a hotel?” Attending a group can also offer more subtle benefits.

Because I am a private person, I hated to tell my friends and relatives how out of control and lost I felt. There were so many practical things I needed to know: how to manage the money, how to deal with my mother-in-law, how to tell my children tactfully that they were treating me like a child. The widows’ group was a perfect solution. Even though not everyone there was just like me, our meetings gave me the chance to compare. Best of all, I was transformed from “poor Mrs. Johnson who needs sympathy” to “Mrs. Johnson who is able to reach out to others in need.” Once I found myself being helpful to other group members, I knew I would make it. I realized I could help myself too.

Consult as many books on widowhood as you can. There are now guides to handling problems ranging from the most pragmatic (dealing with the funeral director, paying estate taxes) to the most abstract (getting through the day). Visit your library or bookstore. There are so many things to educate you about!

This tragedy does have a silver lining. It is a chance to experience the love of family and friends and a chance to know yourself. In spite of their difficulties, many of Lopata’s Chicago widows said their husbands’ deaths had taught them an important lesson. They were stronger and more capable than they had ever thought.

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GENERAL HEALTH