Meditation is not a religion. It is a way of stilling our overactive brains and keeping them healthy. It has now become a great tool used by many top executives, politicians and other people who realise the great benefits of allowing the brain to slow down and stay in a state of relaxation for at least 20 minutes a day.
Many men use relaxing sports such as fishing, sailing and swimming as a form of meditation. Unfortunately, most of us can’t do these sports often enough and therefore we need something else to fill the gap.
How does meditation work? The brain is powered by electricity. Every second trillions of brain cells fire electrical impulses that organise themselves into the following rhythmical patterns.
Beta waves. The most common and highest frequency electrical impulses, which are firing during every waking moment. These waves are also associated with anxiety. In fact, when the brain spends a lot of time in the beta state we often refer to the feeling of being blocked, anxious and stuck in a problem.
Alpha waves. These are slower and occur when we are relaxed: times such as during a pleasant walk or when you simply feel ‘laid back’.
Theta waves. These impulses are about two to four times slower that beta waves and occur during the meditative state, which is a state between wakefulness and sleep. People who can access these waves often have better problem-solving abilities and achieve deep and personal insights. The great news is that theta waves are not confined to the formal state of meditation but are increased by that process. It has been found that by practising meditation twice a day for 20 minutes you will be able to experience periods through the day where your brain will go into this state for problemsolving or Co gain an insight to a situation that you have been grappling with.
Delta waves. These waves are associated with deep sleep and are the slowest of all the brain waves.
There are countless books on methods of meditating but mediation is not a mysterious process. There are several styles but they all end up at the same place. Choose whichever suits you: as long as it brings about a relaxation response in which your brain is floating in the theta state. The more you practise meditation, the more long-term benefits you will enjoy. It will positively affect every aspect of your health, brainpower and creative inspirations.
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DEFICIENCY OF MALE HORMONES: Psychologists and sexologists have led us to believe that erection is in the head, and not in the penis, and that impotency is psychological in most cases. But endocrinologist Richard Spark of Boston’s Beth Israel Hospital reports in the Journal of the American Medical Association that in as many as 35 per cent of cases, the impotency is not mental but due to deficiency of the hormone, testosterone. Dr. Spark’s study is based on 105 impotent men between the ages of 18 to 75 years. Using modern radio immunoassay techniques which can detect even very minute quantities of deficiency, he also found that over-active thyroids produce an endocrine imbalance and impotency. By administering the male hormone and correcting the over-activity of the thyroid gland, the potency of these experimental subjects was soon restored.
LACK OF DESIRE is one of the commonest causes of sexual impairment and is due to loss of interest resulting from lack of variety of sex with one’s partner, or having too many partners.
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After 10 to 15 years of married life the male may become tired of the same female partner and same sex. Hence it is advised that female should co-operate and variety of sex and sex positions should be practiced to maintain the interest in sex and promote vitality-Variety of sex act can be new and stimulating expression of love. The problem of male who is impotent with his wife but potent with other women is a clear cut evidence of boredom in sex with in the same routine.
Do drugs produce impotence?
Anti anxiety drugs like librium, valium and mepfobamate taken for a prolonged period depress sexuality and occasionally cause disturbance of orgasm.
Phenothiazines like largactil, eskazine frequently cause dry ejaculation due to non closure of internal vesical sphincter just prior to ejaculation resulting in discharge in urinary bladder. Oestrogen and cortisone produce impotence and lack of desire.
Can vasectomy operation lead to impotencv?
No. Such operation has no side effects, in fact many people report that after operation they have devloped erection. Erection depends on testosterone, a male hormone which is released into the blood stream. Testes also contribute very small quality of the ejaculated fluid so quantity will also not diminish substantially. Actually neurotic, psychotic or impotent male should not under go sterilisation.
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Sex is the central game of life in both partners, yet a woman has to invest much more of her energy and time as a result of sex, than a man. She is like a core industry where she has to invest heavily, there is a long gestation period, and the returns are slow. She has to invest nine months of her precious time before her first dividend—the infant—is born, and has to spend additional time in nurturing it. In sharp contrast, the male has only to invest one sperm and fifteen to twenty minutes of his time in intercourse to procure dividends. Man is like a consumer industry—a small investment in terms of time, a large turnover and quick profits. As a result, he is more readily aroused than the female and is trigger-happy about sex. Like a butterfly he flits from the pursuit of love to the love of status symbols—position, power, wealth and worldly goods. The poet Byron has vividly described the difference between a man and a woman’s love:
‘Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, ‘Tis woman’s whole existence.’
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Depression often leads to a loss of sexual desire. Unlike the emotional depletion of stress, the emotional depletion of depression is a reflection of the overall slowing-down of your bodily functions and your general loss of interest in almost all of your usual activities and pastimes. In fact, the loss of interest in sex is one of the symptoms psychologists use to diagnose depression, along with:
• sleep disturbances such as insomnia or awakening early in the morning and being unable to go back to sleep
• low energy or chronic fatigue
• feelings of inadequacy
• decreased attention, concentration, or ability to think clearly
• decreased effectiveness or productivity at school, work, or home
• social withdrawal
• limited involvement in previously pleasurable activities
• feeling slowed down
• being less talkative than usual
• a pessimistic attitude about the future or brooding about past events or a general feeling of hopelessness
• tearfulness or crying
• increases or decreases in appetite or weight
• thoughts about suicide or death
If you suffer from ISD, some kind of depression is probably behind your diminished or absent sexual desire. In most instances, elevating a depressed mood also elevates sexual desire, so we recommend seeking treatment for depression, in the form of medication, psychotherapy, or a combination of the two. You should seek psychiatric treatment immediately if you are having suicidal thoughts.
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Narcissistic couples cannot bond adequately because of problems of the self. They generally suffer from low self-esteem and compensate via self-absorption, pride, and grandiosity. They tend to become enraged if their pride is hurt and can get quite nasty to a spouse by whom they feel betrayed. Since they are often “stuck on themselves” (as was the mythological figure Narcissus, after whom this character type is named), they do not feel much empathy for mates, viewing them instead as objects to exploit rather than to love.
There are two basic kinds of narcissistic relationships. One, designated a twinship transference by Heinz Kohut, a psychoanalytic specialist in narcissistic disorders, is an alliance of two grandiose individuals who mutually support each other’s proud and inflated self-perceptions while remaining blind to each other’s delusions. They typically view themselves as a pair of pearls among swine—or (perhaps a bit more graciously) among synthetic pearls. The other kind of narcissistic relationship is called an idealizing transference. Here, a narcissist who feels inferior and needs to idealize somebody attaches himself or herself to a narcissist who feels superior and needs to be idealized. The former hopes that, by coupling with the latter, some of the “superiority” of the idealized object will rub off. The latter hopes to bolster his or her esteem by being the object of idealization.
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This game can be played again and again. It can be a fun game, with the participants making faces and using various other means (kissing, fondling, talking dirty) to hasten their partner’s “defeat.” However, there are no real winners or losers here—only two people who are putting authenticity and fun back into their sex and rekindling their desire.
“Sexual Battle,” as with all other games described so far, will be successful to the degree that a couple can play it with sincerity. This goes without saying about any endeavor—you cannot cook a good meal without sincerity. However, when one is dealing with sex, people’s resistances multiply, and there is a natural tendency to be critical and perhaps derisive. Depressed people may want to negate this game (and all other games in this book), finding them silly or too complicated or too simple. I have found that I have had to give my own clients lengthy pep talks to properly orient them to the games. Because these are not miracle-workers, but only devices to help couples get closer, they are only as effective as the couples who play them allow them to be.
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Players: Husband and wife. Activists: Both. Setting: Bedroom.
Aim: Jolt each other out of their passive and aggressive defensive postures by mimicking each another.
Game Plan: Husband and wife lie virtually naked in bed. The husband wears an article of the wife’s clothing—could be a hat, a blouse, panties, or shoes. The wife wears an article of the husband’s clothing—hat, pipe, jockey shorts, T-shirt. They play out their continuing sexual conflict, but each impersonates the other, deliberately aping and exaggerating the other’s behavior.
If the couple were my aggressive female patient and passive husband, about whom I wrote in the beginning of this chapter, the wife might sit up in bed with her eyes closed and pretend to meditate. The husband might hit her (lightly) with his fists and complain that she is such a nerd. The dialogue might go something like this:
“Can’t you see I’m meditating?” (Wife impersonating the husband.)
“Oh, you’re such a nerd.” (Husband impersonating the wife.)
“Leave me alone. I’m meditating.”
“I don’t know why I married such a nerd. Why couldn’t I have married a real man?”
“Quiet! I’m trying to achieve cosmic consciousness! Stop trying to do dirty, earthly things to my body while I’m looking at universal harmony.”
“When I think about the kind of man I always dreamed of marrying and the one I ended up with, I want to puke!”
“Oh, God, save me from this witch!”
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“What’s going on?” she may ask.
“Shhhhh!” He holds a finger to his lips. “Sit down.” She sits. “Good,” he says. He then places an imitation (but attractive) crown on her head. “I hereby crown you queen for a night.”
“This is silly,” she may say; or, “I’m too tired for games”; or, “What are you up to?”
“Shhhhh!” Would my lady care for a glass of champagne now, or after her bath?”
“My bath?”
“Yes, your bath.”
If she is a difficult case, she will attempt to get out of this in some way: “This is all very nice, but I’m not in the mood,” or, “You look silly in that tuxedo.” She may even become obnoxious and insulting. The husband must persevere and not take anything she says personally. And he may cleverly (for once) use his knowledge of her to persuade her.
“Here—let me massage your temples,” he may say (or, “Let me massage your shoulders”). He can try a trade-off: “Humor me tonight and I’ll do something for you some other night.” If all else fails, he can explain that he is playing a therapeutic game recommended by a psychotherapist, and that if she wants to improve their marriage it would be beneficial for her to play along—at least for one night. Eventually, if the husband perseveres, he will wear down her stubbornness, and she will give in. Then he can proceed.
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The New Sexuality of today is also likely to be hurried, since this is a generation that seems to have put relationships on the back burner while emphasizing careers. We eat, work, and sleep on the run. We have been raised in a culture of junk bonds and junk food, and what we practice may aptly be described as junk sex. It is junk sex because it is sex on the run, sex in avoidance of the hazards, sex attempting always to be correct, sex of convenience, sex sans merci.
Indeed, sex therapists across the country report that the most common complaint among couples today is lack of interest. Many men and women are having shallow, infrequent, or no sex whatsoever, simply because they do not care to. They truly live lives of quiet desperation, and often their underlying mood is apathy. Because of the hazards of sex and their own internal resistances to it, they have given up on it. Their sexuality remains only in the fantasy sphere.
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